here we are again.

Nothing has changed. Still high blood sugar. Still high cholesterol. Still acid reflux. Still uncomfortable in my own skin. Still continually short of breath. I've been to a nutritionist, a dietician and now am in a four week group called 'food and mood". Basically the groups is nine women. Seven have type 2 diabetes. Two of us have high blood sugar. We are all overweight. We all have our issues. We are learning that we have formed pathways in our brain that need to be changed. Imagine I walk to work everyday and I go the same way. The grass gets trampled down, the path is obvious and easy. Then I change it up. I learn a new way. I practice and practice and soon the new way is the easy way. This is how I need to be thinking about food. And each time I want bad foods I am to deep breath and relax all my muscles, concentrate on both and hopefully that will take away the urge to eat. My problem is I want this food. I want it all. I love this food. Frappes and candy and chips and Burger King. It is so good. So the need to deep breath is not there as I want to eat it. I actually make up my mind to eat it. I decide that it is what I must have. So I have it. No dwelling, no issue. Just eat. The other day I discoverd the Pepperidge Farm outlet store. I bought a cake and eight bags of cookies. Sigh. There is just no stopping me.
I have begun walking, about six months ago. Sue and I meet at the Rockland track at about seven every morning we can. We walk one and three quaters mile. And today I hope to begin running. I have always wanted to run. Or jog.... I plan on running for two minutes then walk for one, run for two, walk for one. etc... I want to go to Ames Nowell three times a week and practice running. Here's hoping. I am also hoping that with me beginning this blog again I can eat healthier. Here's hoping. Again. Now if only Burger King will stop making those Italian Chicken sandwitches.....
A few Tues. each month I go to Christina's to watch the Biggest Loser. I like it, a lot. I love that show. It is inspirational for me.

still failing

so it has been months and months and years and years...but now i deal with high blood sugar. all because i cannot control what i put in my mouth. there are some people who think...why doesnt she just stop eating badly??? my answer...i dont know. i try and i try and i try. i get so pist at myself. i feel low. i hate myself. i feel like the biggest loser. ha! thats funny. biggest loser. haha. ok, so one year eight months ago my dr tells me i have high blood sugar. at first i was like yea, so....whatever. about eight months ago i went through all the testing again and find it is worse. i did a three week purge and it barely helped. :( how discouraging. how irritating. now, eight months later i am still in denial i guess. i eat and eat and eat. twice this week i had a bag of chips with dip for dinner. yummo. oi, then a candy bar or two for dessert. what a pig. soon i will be oinking. i am thinking about weight watchers again. i know it works, when i can keep doing it. do i really want to start this before the holidays. my mother decides to quit smoking...poof she does. she decides to cut tonic from her life and poof she does.... that is so not a trait i got from her. my father was an alcoholic, sigh. i have addictive personality or traits. :( i bought this fantastic book called sugar nation by jeff oconnell. well written. easily understood. yay :) but it scares me too. here is a small paragraph or statement that just makes me wonder...it is "so imagine if you were diagnosed with cancer and, in the midst of the terror and panic, the doctor offfered you a deal. change your diet and exercise and i can virtualy guarantee your survival."
derr
dumb-ass
assmode

gym

Christina and I went to the gym for our first workout yesterday. OMG I was so tired. I did not realize how out of shape I really am. Sigh. Well I do weigh 200lbs...maybe I'll be able to move more when I lose 75 lbs. We rode these virtual bikes next to each other. They had screens and we could race each other. It was fun. No, really, I mean it!
For food today I had a decent bfast and lunch with choc. rice cakes for snack. Not too shabby...oh and three kisses. Yummo! Abington House for dinner. :)
Christina and I are meeting tomorrow at 130 for another gym visit. Whoop whoop.

Here we go again.

I joined a gym. Healthtrax in Hanover. Christina and I joined together and we are going for our first workout tonight. I am glad to be finally doing something but sooooooo lazy. I will make myself do this.
I was trying to eat healthier today but ended up buying Dove almond chocolate. OMG.

Ok, I never knew I was such a horrible blogger. I almost never remember to blog. Man oh man. But last Sunday weighed in and had lost another 7 lbs. Yahoo...eating has become easier but I am still always craving junk, junk and more junk. I have been eating some berries and two pieces of dark chocolate each day. Yummers.

8 pounds. That is how much I lost this week. Yahoo for me...I am so psyked. I was worried that it wasn't working because I was eating so much meat...but it did. Thankfully. And my measurements...I lost two inches in my waist. one and a half in my stomache and one in my hips...I'll take it. I love it. Although I am not feeling very well today. I feel very tired and not hungry for even my regular meal....I just don't want meat or eggs or veggies...but I forced down the 'fake shephards pie' and beef stew sans potato. Have no idea what I will have for dinner. At this point (620pm) I want nothing but I must eat...

Wow, I have not published since June....lazy. I actaully forgot all about it. I went on to Beth's "Shades of Purple" blog and was reminded of mine. Well since June I have tried and failed two different well known diets and one on my own. Plus I tried a portion control diet. HA! And I just gave up, again. I mean I really went through a down time because I felt I was a failure. I mean why can't I just control what I put in my mouth. Millions and millions of people are able to do this...but not me. I always think that people look at me and feel pity and gross.(ness?) It made it hard for me to go out in public. I did not want to see my family. I only wanted to watch tv, read and sleep. So I did, for about three months. Then I had a dr. appt. that made me feel real, real bad. So bad that for a week I went to the bakery way too much...ate way too much junk and honestly, saw no veggies or fruit for a loooooonng time. Besides coronary artery disease there is also acid reflux...joy. So it is really time to do something....and I began last Monday, Sept. 8th. I found a great book called "The Idiot Proof Diet". It is a wonderfully honest book. Some of the things the two authors say could have come from my mouth. So for six days now I have had no junk, none, and no diet pepsi or any tonic, and very light amount of carbs....no breads, pastas, cereal, milk, juice, fruit, jam or anything like that. I have eaten and eaten and eaten veggies and cheeses and meats upon meats upon meats. I have not been hungry, but the cravings...oh my god. That has been bad. Chocolate, diet pepsi, chips, chocolate, toast with jam, spaghetti, chocolate, bagels, muffins, english muffins, chocolate, candy bars, cereal, jelly beans, and oh yeah, chocolate. So it has been real real bad but at the same time I am so sick of meat....and veggies...and eggs. I am going to have to come up with some real cool recipies....real soon. And tomorrow is weigh in. Here is an exerpt from the book that helped me begin my diet....something that I needed really badly at the time..I read this on day four of my diet "not feeling 100% is an obstacle that you just have to crash through, which you will, any second now, on your path to slimness. And once you've crashed through it, it's gone forever." Here's hoping...but what a concept! and also day four in the book (bible) ..."you aren't feeling rough because you've done something terrible to yourself. You're feeling rough because you're detoxing from all the things that are really bad for you." Another great, yet obvious concept. Makes me think. Now day three was real bad for me, queazy, headache...day four was worse...queazy, headache and body aches....so now I can equate dieting with the flu...so on day four I not only read the above but I also read day five (yes, I read ahead) Here goes " Remember, it doesn't get any worse than this. From now on, the only way is up. Also remember, we've said this before, but we'll just say it again-you're not feeling bad because you're doing something terrible to yourself. You're feeling bad because you're detoxing from all the sugar, caffeine, and processed rubbish tha was clogging up your system and making you fat and unhealthy. Bear with it. If you're anything lke us, today might very well bet the day when you have an overwhelming urge to give up. Your mind starts playing funny tricks on you:"i'm fine as I am," it tells you. "So I'm on the pudgy side So what? I'm happy. life's too short for these kinds of sacrifices. and I want a cookie" It is important that you see this for what it is "a trick" Self sabotage, to be precise- a talent most serial dieters have in spades. It's time to knock it on the head once and for all. If you were happy with the way you looked, you wouldn't have picked up this book. Thats the truth of it. The other truth is that you've nearly completed week one, and that with this way of eating, as with others, your body is reprogramming itself every day, evey hour, every minute. Soon it will barely register irritation (or furious rage) at not having sugary snacks shoved down its gullet every half an hour. so stick with us" LOVE IT. It has helped me through the last two days, greatly. I read that when I was almost in tears ready to give up...and then, or since then, I have been ok...not great...but ok. I still think about food all the time. And in time I can induldge...a bit. I hope. So I'll be back tomorrow with my weight loss. Now I have not told many people I am dieting...just that I am adding healthy foods into my life :)